bluescreenwhitedragon

I see.

[Watching Lucifel's reactions closely. My oh my how uncomfortable is he right now]

Was there anything in particular that caused this declaration of affection?

[ looks directly at his own lap, this is pet shaming and he's shamed ]

I suppose it was because I had mistakenly told a child that he could kill me in a game.

Edited 2019-05-30 06:23 (UTC)

. . .

Did you give this child a reason to want to kill you in a game?

. . .

He learned about the trial, and he asked me if I would do it again . . . so I said that I would, so it seemed appropriate at the time since he seemed to be compromised in such a way that perhaps . . .

Uhm . . .

In the end, he told Whisky-san about the matter instead, and I was scolded . . .

For a number of reasons, I imagine.

And with the end result being you don't want to play the role of a villain anymore?

[ finally, twisting his fingers a bit ]

It isn't something so simple as that incident, but . . .

[ . . . ]

Anubis-san said that he would give up on living if things were to continue like this.

Dia-sama . . . I couldn't convince her to so much as protect herself - she would certainly give up rather than continue living.

Now, even Whisky-san - someone who . . . someone who would value survival over everything else, would put himself to the side for me . . .

. . .

If it would ignite in people the desire to live, and so the desire to fight, I could feel more confident about this. But, as it stands - to my own loved ones, if such is the case here, then what have I done but exacerbate such a self-sabotaging desire in them?

Moreover, you saw how it was in Harumaki-san's live - certainly, there was anger, but there seemed to be at least a few people who would rather let themselves die instead of fight.

Something like that - mm, my own position as "villain" isn't enough to do anything for that, and moreover, my own unit would suffer a despair to the point of joining those numbers.

I don't know what to do from this point forward, but . . . I know, at least, that what I'm doing isn't effective enough. So, I must redirect course somehow. Becoming more extreme wouldn't help . . .

I would still look to protect my own unit, naturally - naturally, I would spill blood as I needed. But, if that sort of middling ground that I was given praise for -

If the intent of that time was simply to protect my unit, without doing anything further - then, is there a point left to this villain role. . . ? In the first place, what is the point of continuing on in order to protect this world, if the people in it no longer wish to exist. . . ?

Edited 2019-05-30 06:49 (UTC)

[He is silent for a few seconds, steepling his fingers as he proceeds to take this all in. Dissect it]

You originally pursued this course of action because you believed that if you didn't, this world and all the people in it would fade to grey. Become the Damned.

If you stopped, do you still think that would occur?

Mm. At the moment, it seems like there's discord enough sewn about that this would not be the case.

So you've attempted it, seen the flaws in your plan and logic for what they were, and are now trying to course correct appropriately.

Congratulations on your first step to being more than just a tool.

[ looking up to him now ]

. . .

Is this something you were waiting for. . . ?

It was a coin toss really. Either you'd wear the mantle long enough you wouldn't be able to separate yourself from the lies. Or you'd finally hit a breaking point and---

Actually I never would have predicted you would reach this conclusion without a much bigger --- grander spectacle. Like say, another set of dead bodies in a game.

. . .

I do admit, it's a bit difficult, just a bit. . .

To be honest, I thought strongly about it, in the auction. However, since my unit comes first, I naturally had some form of leash . . .

And, with how quickly everything devolved -

Ideally, there would be a limit to the destruction. If the upper limit is set by the Producers, then I didn't mind reaching it, but . . . that game was one with an upper limit only defined by our own cruelty. So, I quickly decided against it.

And you already know the depths of human cruelty. There's no need for you to revisit that front any more than necessary.

. . .

But I agree with your conclusion. You don't need to actively play the role of a villain, Lucifel. People will vilify whoever they see fit to cling to their own sense of self and morals here. And even if your name is dissociated with what happened at the trial, it will still be used as a scary story to keep the new arrivals up at night. It will have served its purpose.

Which brings us to the next important question.

What do you want to do with yourself now?

Mmm.

For the near future, I have someone I must tend to . . .

For the far future, I have the goal I have always had.

But, for here - in this foreseeable future, in this world . . . beyond tending to that person . . .

[ quieter ]

To be honest, I'm at a loss.

Good. Your end game shouldn't change.

[Even if he still thinks it's fucking stupid]

And that should guide your hand for your intermediary goals.

Will this person help support your end goal? If so, prioritize them.

Who are the people -- like Whisky -- challenging you and your beliefs. Challenge them back. Decide your own future yourself.

And then figure out what's most important to you. Staying here and doing what you can or fast-tracking your own graduation so you can get on with the rest of your eternity.

Between staying and going, that much is already clear, I'm sure?

After all, I want to support you and C-dono.

Yes. Of course.

[A bit of a longer pause before:]

Did I mention I remembered more about my servant from back home?

Mm. . . ?

You didn't.

[ said, as a prompt for him to go on ]

The first time we met face to face, she disobeyed me and left me at the mercy of my opponent.

The last memory I have of her, she disobeyed me again. But this time to save my life.

Do you think you could ever be that kind of Servant? One who knows when to step in and even more importantly, when to stay back.

. . . Since we had drawn our contract - no, even before then, I have watched you. For the sake of learning what your character is, and therefore, where your will lies.

[ with a pause, as he looks up to him ]

Then, I should learn the distinction between whether I should be a Servant that can independently further your goals, even if it might be in defiance to the orders you give - or whether I should be a Servant that prioritizes your wellbeing, while also carrying the respect to stay my hand when you fight your own battles.

For as long as I have been your Servant, I have stayed my hand in public, for the purposes of creating that villainous mask. Though I have felt strongly the urge to involve myself, I had yet to do so, this being among the chief reasons as to why. However, with such removed, there is no need to hide that any longer.

[ with a hum, thoughtful for a moment ]

What you desire is a person, a self-sufficient tool - a companion, perhaps. One who would, honestly, speak with you - one who would, honestly, disagree with you. With even just that much, it's plain to see that - between the two . . .

. . . It's up to my best judgment, isn't it? In such situations, when it is appropriate to be a Servant that respects or a Servant that protects, a Servant who would further your goals or a Servant who would criticize your methods.

Am I wrong?

[He looks positively pleased with that answer]

I'll forgive the tool comment since you hit all the other points. But yes. If I wanted a yes man, I could build one functional enough out of scrap material if I put in the effort. And if I wanted someone who would run off and do whatever the fuck they wanted -- well, isn't that what most people are doing? Determining their own priorities and to hell with the bigger picture.

I'm looking for someone who shares my vision but who also independent enough to determine the best way to achieve that. I want someone who won't back down and isn't afraid to speak up. I want someone whose hand I don't have to hold.

[And he pauses as well]

And in return - am I meeting your expectations as a Master?

I'm an not here to coddle you or tell you that you're doing a good job when you're not. I'm not here to manage your emotions. Or even to ensure that you're taking care of yourself. I leave that to Whisky and Dia and to whoever else you look to for emotional support.

I'm here to teach you how to reach your end goal, using this---

[He gestures to the world around him]

As your training guide. I'm here to teach you how to create the future that you want with your own hands. And here to challenge your pre-conceived notions. And when I really need you - and it won't be for something frivolous - I will call for you. And I trust you to come.

Is that acceptable?

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